


A Year Filled With Waiting

by leatherxstripes



Category: Death Note
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, New Year's Kiss, New Years, Rants, Sad, Waiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 21:37:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3091166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leatherxstripes/pseuds/leatherxstripes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>December 31st - 11:48 PM<br/>It was New Year's Eve- who would spend their night with him when they could be drunk off their ass and partying?<br/>He swung the door open, taking a minute to absorb the looks of this person.<br/>"Hello, Matt. Did ya miss me?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Year Filled With Waiting

December 31st - 11:36 PM  
A cigarette carton sat untouched on the shabby coffee table in front of him. The flickering light bulb that hung above the tattered couch he was seated on provided dim lighting, making it barely possible to make out the contents of the room.

Legs criss crossed on the couch cushion, he sat with his hands folded and resting in his lap. Tear tracks ran down his face; an obvious reminder that he had been crying not too long ago.

He was waiting. He's been waiting. Though, he did not exactly know what he was waiting for.

Gentle raindrops could be heard, a series of small pearls hitting the window not too far away. The window was partially open, which allowed quite a bit of raindrops to intrude. Because of this, a small puddle soaked the dirty carpet.

A soft breeze swept painfully across his face. He squinted his recently exposed eyes, flinching in the slightest move. Due to the fact that his goggles hung around his pale neck, there was no barrier to protect his sensitive eyes from the cold.

The sudden gust of wind barely broke his stance though; it was as if he was glued to the seat or frozen in place.

He wasn't glued to the seat- nor was he frozen in place. He was, however, empty.

He's been empty since the only one he's ever cared for left him. Along with his lover, his sense of reality and hope for a future had left too.

He simply did not care anymore; why he was still living, he did not know. Generally, he was counting down the lonely days to when he would give his last breath.

Without the one he called his soul mate, he had no reason to keep existing. His soul mate was the one to drag him out of this similar stance in the past, and now he'd thrown him back into it.

As I mentioned before, he was waiting. Waiting for nothing in particular, though. Perhaps he was waiting for his lover to return to him, or was he waiting for himself?

It was possible that he was waiting for that leap of faith, the adrenaline that would push him to search for his lover. The small bit of hope buried in his heart, the hope that he would soon find him.

Suddenly, the tears returned. Small beads of water ran down his face; His seemingly dull eyes now full of sadness.

It hurt to think about him. It hurt every part of him; his head filled with the thoughts that he made sure to hide. His heart burned, which shook his body with sobs.  
He hugged himself, his posture faltering. It was useless to pretend that he would ever be able to forget him; Even for the slightest moment.

He was hoping to start the new year fresh- to forget the one that abandoned him many years ago, but he couldn't. Not after all they've been through. The years of what he believed to be years full of love- were most likely nothing to his soul mate.

He knew he should move on, that he should find someone else. He knew that it wasn't his fault that his partner left him. He knew very well that he wasn't to blame for this.

But that didn't stop it from hurting.

December 31st - 11:48 PM  
After several minutes of wallowing in self-pity, the crooked door erupted a sound that resembled one of a knock. It was truly a miracle that the door hadn't fell off its hinges.

His head shot up quickly, the movement so fast compared to his usual sluggish state that it made his head spin. He slowly got up, fully aware that he didn't look very appealing to the eye, but decided to answer the damaged door anyways.

His hair was awfully outgrown, his auburn bangs shielding most of this view. Not to mention that he hasn't ran a comb through his hair too. His usual black and white shirt that enveloped his skinny frame was horribly dirty, and the loose sweatpants that hung on his hips were faded and ripped.

Due to the afterwave of crying, his eyes were red and his nose was stuffy- but at this point, he didn't care what anyone else thought of him. The one person that he valued the opinion of left him, so he didn't feel the need to impress anyone else.

Which brought a question to his mind. Since he hasn't willingly spoke to anyone, he had no friends. No one visited, since he didn't have family, and his neighbors were not the friendly type.

Also, it was New Year's Eve- who would spend their night with him when they could be drunk off their ass and partying?  
It could very well be a burglar, but why would a burglar knock? If the person at the door intended to kill him, then he had no problem letting them. It's not like he wasn't waiting for this moment all his life, anyways.

He swung the door open, taking a minute to absorb the looks of this person.

He stepped back at the sight of the person standing at his door, shocked. He couldn't move, he was held hostage under the person's stare.  
A smirk slowly settled on the individual's lips after seeing the shocked expression on the other's face.

"Hello, Matt. Did ya miss me?"

December 31st - 11:51 PM  
"M..Mel-" I wheezed out, eyes wide and jaw low.

"Mind if I step in? I'm getting wet." He said, using a hand to gesture to his damp hair.

I stepped aside quickly, closing the door once he was seated at my couch. He looked around, inspecting my filthy apartment.

I stood next to the table, not daring to get any closer. My hands found their way to each other and I started picking at my nails, a nervous habit of mine.  
"Mello?" I whispered softly, and due to the stillness of the room, I was loud enough to be heard.

He looked up a second, expecting me to go on- but I didn't know what to say. My mouth opened and closed a few times, but after deciding that I couldn't process words at the moment, I fell silent.

He looked back onto the items sitting at the coffee table. He picked up the carton of cigarettes, and dropped it quickly as if it burned his hand at the touch. "I didn't know you smoked." He said, his nose scrunching up in disgust.

"It's a habit." I replied quietly, suddenly ashamed for disappointing him.

"A bad one." He said, snorting. He stood up and made his way towards me, and my heart jumped. My discomfort was obviously noted, so he chuckled before putting a bit of distance between us.

"Are you just going to stand there, or are we going to actually converse?" He smirked, punching my shoulder jokingly.

I gasped at the contact, eyes widening almost comically. I raised a hand to place at his shoulder, moving it down his arm lightly when he didn't disappear under my touch.  
Then it hit me; Mello was here, in my living room. He was alive and healthy, in my living room. The one that had me waiting for years, in my living room.

I threw my arms around him, engulfing him in a tight hug, afraid that if my grip wasn't strong enough he would leave. The tears prickled my eyes not for the first or last time that day, and I quietly sobbed onto his shoulder. I felt his hands creep up my sides and wrap around my waist, his head resting against mine.

What I did next shocked me: I pulled away. I decided that I wasn't going to make this easy on him. I deserved answers.

"You can't just come in here and act like nothing happened. Where the hell were you all this time?" I said, surprisingly confident.

He sighed. "You have to believe me when I say I didn't want to leave you, Matty."

"Then why did you?" I questioned, eyes narrowing. My glare faltered the second he met my gaze. His soft blue eyes were filled with sorrow, and I could've sworn I saw his eyes water.

"L died, and that old hag Roger wanted me to work with Near." He spoke, stepping closer. "I wasn't thinking straight when I left. My vision was clouded with anger and I didn't think about anything other than winning." He grabbed my hand gently, and when I didn't move, he squeezed it softly.

"Why didn't you tell me? I would've came with you. You left me with no explanation, no trace of why or where you went. It hurt more than you think it did, you bastard." I said, pulling my hand away from his.

He stepped back once again, turning away from me when he did. "I didn't want to you to follow me."

At this point, I was fighting between wanting to break down and cry, or yell at him. Anger got to me first though.

"So what am I to you? Just a fling that you never considered worthy? Is that all I was to you?" I shouted, my hands curling into fists.

He spun around and shook his head quickly. "No. Matt, that's not what I mea-

"Really, Mello?" I questioned. "You didn't want me to follow you? Then why did you even come here? Why even bother to show up? Did you just want to see how I was coping without you? You wanted to know that you successfully broke me?

I spent fucking years waiting for you, Mello. Years. I went from place to place trying to find you. You've been all that's ran through my mind. I spent nights searching and crying because of you.

And then you suddenly show up on my doorstep, welcoming yourself in as if you never left. You can't just do that, Mello. You can't just walk out on me, and expect me to be clinging onto you after years of nothing. I'm not just going to exclaim, 'Oh Mello! I've missed you so much'. You don't deserve that, you hear me? You don't deserve that.

Not everyone is going to do what you expect them to do. I have feelings too, Mello. Strong feelings, in fact. I can't pick between wanting to kick you out for being such an asshole, or actually giving you another chance; because although you may have broken me, ripped my heart in two, and abandoned me, I still love you. I am still in love with you, after all you've done to me. I don't know why, but I can't deny it."

"Matt." He whispered. "I'm so... sorry."

I wiped my eyes furiously, erasing the tears that had escaped. "Don't waste your breath, Mello."

"Matt." He started again, grabbing my hands and holding it with both of his. "I didn't want you to follow me because I wanted you to forget me."  
I stared at him, dumbstruck. "What?"

"I wanted you to forget me."

"But-" I said, but decided to let him speak. He took a deep breath, squeezing my hand gently.

"I wanted you to forget me because I knew that, as you said, I didn't deserve you. I left without an explanation because I believed that if I left on a sour note, you would hate me- which you probably do.

I predicted that you would get over me out of anger, and find someone else. I didn't want to be a burden on you for the rest of your life if I died without being able to see you again. I hoped that you would date someone else and forget about me, because you're a great person, Matt. Not many people had the chance to get to know you because I was constantly holding you down with my anger or jealousy.

I kept you to myself all these years; and even when I had your full attention I didn't take it for granted. I should've treated you better, and I should've valued you more than I did. I'm sorry for that- I really am. Trust me, if I could change what I did, I would.

I would make it so that you never met me; that you spent your life with some other person. Although it would hurt seeing you with someone else, you'd honestly be better off.  
That's part of the reason why I didn't tell you I was leaving. I knew if I told you, you'd insist on coming. I don't want you suffering, Matt. I'm glad I didn't take you, to be honest. For the first few months, I lived on the streets. I didn't have money or food, but I managed to find somewhere to stay.

You wouldn't believe what I did to get into," he paused, looking down, "the Mafia. It was the only place I could turn to. I could also beat Near in the process. It didn't feel right, though. A few months ago, I left, and set out to find you.

I figured that you must've found someone else, and was dating them happily in the confines of your home. I didn't want to intrude at first, thinking that it would probably just mess up your relationship.

I didn't want to ruin your life again. I know it hurt a lot for you, and it hurt me quite a bit too. I decided to visit you anyways, being the selfish asshole I am.  
I love you so much, Matt, and I am so fucking sorry for what I put you through. I'm probably the worst person you've ever known, and I'm probably being very selfish right now, but do you think we could try this again?"

I stood there, both shocked and touched by his words. Tears, once again, fell from my eyes. "You idiot." I choked out.

I let go of his hands and held his face, bringing his lips to mine desperately. He stumbled back, but quickly recovered and snaked his arms around my waist.

I only departed when I needed to catch my breath, but didn't have long until he pulled me into another kiss.

January 1st - 12:00 AM  
As he pulled away, he smiled, taking my hand and leading me to the couch. "I'll take that as a yes?"

"Yeah." I mumbled, grinning as we sat. I snuck a glance at the clock. "Happy New Year, Mello."

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: And so it ends! I originally planned to write more, but it seemed right to stop it here. If anything else comes to mind, I'll edit this.
> 
> Anywhale, what better way to start off the new year with a nice, dramatic fanfiction? It's five in the morning here, and I was so set on getting this out as soon as possible.
> 
> Happy New Year! I wish you guys the best in this following year and I hope you guys have a great one.
> 
> Don't forget to leave a comment and vote c: Happy New Year! See you in the next fic~
> 
> -Stella xo


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